Thoughts on comparison, value, and the true self.
Studies show that as Facebook (or any other social media outlet) usage increases, self esteem decreases—so much so that it even has a name: “Facebook depression.” To be fair, we can’t blame Mark Zuckerberg, because the problem is in how we’re using social media.
For many, social media subtly becomes a measuring stick for how they compare with the rest of their community. With that consideration, it’s inevitable that anxiety and depression follow.
Here’s why: most people present the fun, happy, pretty parts of their days, all covered in hash tags and applied with filters. We’re photo-shopping our own lives and we don’t even know it. There’s no judgment here—I do it all the time. I’d much prefer to post a picture of my child blowing out candles on his birthday cake than I would a post about a recent argument I’ve had with my husband. This is not a bad thing, either. The problem is that as we see each other through the social media lens, there’s a void left in the place of unspoken truths, and we are tempted to fill that void with our own imaginings.
“They have the perfect marriage. They never fight…and that’s all we do these days. Our marriage just isn’t working like it’s supposed to be.”
“They are going out for a girls’ night again, and I’m not invited. What is wrong with me?”
“Another happy family… and I’m still single. Really God?”
“He’s eating another great meal, while I’m reduced to ramen noodles for dinner. Typical.”
We compare our monotonous, humdrum or even dark, painful moments to our friends’ highlight reels and we’re left in a hurricane of inadequacy, feeling ashamed, not enough. Often, this feeling of “not enough” is linked with the belief that we aren’t acceptable, that we don’t belong. Follow that rabbit trail to the lie that love is conditional. Intellectually, we know this assertion is false—we can even argue against it.
Thus, we’re presented with a conundrum when we intellectually “believe” the truth, but live our lives according to these false suppositions. The gap is highlighted when we present parts of our selves we think will be liked, admired, or accepted because we want to belong. We want to be enough. We want to be loved. And so we try to earn our worth and prove our value.
If I lose ten pounds, he’ll be more attracted to me.
If I get a promotion, she’ll be impressed with me.
If I volunteer more…
If I work harder…
If I get enough likes…
But it’s never enough. Jesus invites us off the mental hamster wheel in these moments of self-doubt.
He has made us creatures of worth and value. We were not created to hide or pretend or pose. We were created to shine.
There is a truth inside of us that’s worthy of being told. The true story of our lives—of who we are—can’t be stifled. Try as it might, a chocolate chip cookie can’t become a raisin cookie; even if it does its best, it’s still made of chocolate chips. Truth eventually, always expresses itself, even after false advertising or wishful thinking.
In Donald Miller’s book Scary Close he writes, “Sometimes the story we’re telling the world isn’t half as endearing as the one that lives inside us.”
Your feelings can be far from reality.
Your same sex attractions and temptations do not define your identity.
Your appearance does not tell the whole truth about who you are.
Your accomplishments do not equal your worth.
There is One who knows you and can speak to your value.
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are of more worth than many sparrows” (Luke 12:7).
He gives unconditional love that can’t be earned.
“But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
He designed you with care and intention.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth” (Psalm 139:13-15).
He delights in you.
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).
He calls you family.
“Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed upon us that we should be called the children of God; and such we are” (1 John 3:1).
When we believe the presentation of “truth” we see in our Facebook feed and in Instagram pictures, our eyes are playing tricks on us. The truth is we are looking at a mirage, an optical illusion caused by atmospheric conditions that present as reality.
Take what you see with a grain of salt, because it’s a cropped picture. If social media is adversely affecting you, log out and take a break. If you find yourself posting to impress others or yourself, ask Jesus to help you remember that you are abundantly, plentifully enough.
Consider what Donald Miller also writes in Scary Close, “I’d have to trust that my flaws were the ways through which I would receive grace. We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.”
We aren’t perfect. We are broken and so often succumb to temptation whether it’s pride or lust or comparison. Striving doesn’t get us to a better place, either.
However, Christ takes on the role of perfection for us. We can accept His perfection as our own; in fact, it’s what God the Father asks us to do. Tim Keller once tweeted, “God sees us as we are, loves us as we are, and accepts us as we are. But by His grace, He does not leave us as we are.”
God sees the real you and delights in what He sees. But wait—there’s more.
Because of God’s great love for you, He won’t just let you be and He won’t leave you where you are. He will take the broken parts and restore them to wholeness. He will take the dirty parts and clean them. If you allow Him, He will transform you into His image. This is our reconciliation to Him and our redemption in Him. This is the story of grace.
If you find yourself turning to Facebook for the intimacy and identity you need, turn instead toward the loving face of Christ, the One who made you, the One whose face is turned toward you, the One who is looking upon you with great love.
We all have dreams for our children and we have expectations for how life is going to go. Rarely does it go that way. I remember God saying to me, “I am writing a story for your children that you wouldn’t write.” I knew that included their experiencing pain, suffering, and disappointment. As a mom, I would have omitted that part of life for them, but God reassured me He would use it for their good.
It was then that my eyes were opened to two truths. I realized the depths of pain so many parents are experiencing. And I learned first-hand that God will sustain me through challenging times with my children—and that He has something for me in it.
Consider these circumstances faced by many parents:
- A child has rebelled against God and wants nothing to do with Him.
- A child is an abusive relationship and refuses help.
- A child has declared that he/she is gay and wants to live that lifestyle.
- A child is acting out sexually.
- A child suffers from deep anxiety.
All of us will find ourselves in some kind of unintended journey with our kids. Navigating these difficulties is not easy, but there are principles I’ve learned that have been really helpful along the way.
Principle #1: There are some predictable stages we go through and just knowing what is “normal” can help.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote the stages of grief in 1969, and they are applicable to parents today. Often, when we first learn of our child’s situation we are in shock. It just doesn’t sink in. We experience denial. “No, this can’t be happening!” Anger is next. “God, how can you be allowing this to be in my child’s life?” We bargain and plead with God. “Lord, I will do anything to make it different.” We drift into depression. Finally we may begin to feel some acceptance—not that things are “fine,” but we aren’t overwhelmed. This stage can take a long time to get to, but it is here where we can begin to earnestly seek God for His presence and love despite the circumstance.
These stages are not linear—they’re more like a labyrinth. Knowing these feelings are normal can be a comfort in pain. As we cycle through them and allow God into our pain, He can move us to deeper levels of acceptance.
Principle #2: A parent’s priority is loving well.
There is power in Christ’s love for us. He loves us unconditionally and—at the same time—does not approve of things we do that separate us from Him. He wants the best for us.
We want our love for our kids to be accepting and discerning about what is best for them. For example, a mom discovers her 16 year old daughter is sexting her boyfriend. She sits down with her daughter and starts by saying, “I love you. You are precious to me. You matter. This is not who you are. This will hurt you. It is not best.” Our words are important, and equally important is our tone. Your peace and care has to be sincere and warm.
Children act out like this because something is broken inside. They need our love, not our judgment. They also need protection, boundaries, and conversation. How do we stay calm in these heated conversations? Not in our own strength.
Principle #3: The most important thing you bring to your relationship with your child is your own deepening intimacy with Christ.
There are no shortcuts here. This kind of peace and love is not possible apart from Jesus. We are tempted to get distracted from our own spiritual journey when our children are going through difficult times, but that’s the worst thing we can do. When you are faced with these challenging circumstances, take time to pray, meditate on Scripture, take walks and listen to God, listen to worship music, journal…whatever practices draw you nearer to Him. Spend time doing those practices. This is where we receive the opportunity to learn from God and become more like Christ. Our greatest growth comes from our greatest struggle.
Principle #4: Prayer is vital.
We must ask God to help us believe that our prayers are more powerful than our words. One mom of teens told me she sensed God saying to her, “You put more stock in what you say than what you pray.” Intercessory prayer for our children can…
Penetrate the hearts of those we cannot open.
Shield those we cannot guard.
Teach where we cannot speak.
Comfort where our hearts have no power to soothe.
Prayer with its unseen hand can enter where we may not.
Principle #5: Unhealthy guilt and shame is not helpful.
As parents, we want to find some reason for what is happening; often, the first place we look is at ourselves. The truth is that we have very little control over major influences in our children’s lives. A helpful part of this process is to release ourselves from guilt that doesn’t address the issue at hand. A healthy and holy look at our hearts and our souls is essential, but it’s also essential to do it accurately.
Psalm 139: 23-24 states “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Let this be a holy experience with God, not a self-bashing process. Ask Him to show you anything He wants you to know or to learn.
Principle #6: Our children need a Savior and we are not Him.
When we believe that there isn’t anything our children can say or do to lose our love, we can then surrender them to God’s care. Then, and only then, can we be free to be with them instead of trying to fix them. We realize that fixing them won’t work, but loving them will have a great impact.
We are to give our children to God, detach in love, and trust God for them. In fact, we can get in between the Lord and our children by trying to fix or rescue them. We have to let go of our agendas and trust God for His. Our children’s well-being is not actually ours to own. They have a Savior, and His name is Jesus. When we reflect on what He has done for us, we can more readily release them to Him, so He can transform them as only He can.
Principle #7: You need soul care for yourself.
As parents, we tend to neglect our own need for support and nourishment during pain that involves our kids. Remember to spend time with your Savior. Invite trusted friends into your pain. It can be an incredible blessing to rely on friends during hard times. Seek out spiritual coaching or counseling or mentoring. Continue to take time to enjoy God, friends, and other things that bring you life. Be compassionate with yourself. What you are going through is tough.
Principle #8: Live in the present moment.
A wise friend once shared with me the power of choosing to live in the present moment. God is alive in the present moment, and in eternity—Satan’s territories are the past and future. Cast down what if’s and if only’s, and ask God to meet you in the now.
Most of all, remember that the God who knows and loves you intimately, knows and loves your dear child in the same way. His desire for your family is that you would flourish and thrive. He is for you, and He is with you, even—especially—in your pain.
God designed nakedness for the light of the Garden. There, free from sin and shame, light revealed God’s image in man and woman.
In the mire of sexual sin, nakedness still glows a faint memory of original innocence and original light. And though the resemblance is faint, a man lost in darkness will drag himself miles to reach even a smoldering wick that reminds him of home.
And seeing no alternative, he will build there.
I think this is why Christ proclaimed:
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:14 – 16).
I’ve usually heard this passage taught as a call not to be ashamed of Jesus. And so it is. But consider this: Where we need Jesus most—in those places we have been most powerless, most afraid, most ashamed—these places are where He shines clearest.
The specific sins from which we’re saved can become holy embers from which His light burns brightest in our lives.
On the other hand, when we remain silent about the sins from which He’s freed us, out of fear of what others will think, we place baskets over lamps, build cities in concealed valleys.
How can men and women in darkness know the Savior He is unless they hear of the strong, dark giants from which He has saved us?
I hope you’ll join us this Saturday for our sweet and savory celebration in McLean, Virginia, Let Your Light Shine.
You’ll have the opportunity to hear stories of what Christ has done and continues to do through Regeneration. It promises to be a powerful night, full of Christ’s light and goodness for all who attend.
Last Thursday at our annual Baltimore dessert, three people shared about their journeys out of darkness, and afterward one listener remarked, “It reminded me how powerful Jesus is.” Yes!
Likewise, a woman in her 70’s came up to me and with a smile said, “Isn’t it amazing what testimonies can do?” Then she added, “I shared my testimony 40 years ago at the prayer meeting where Alan Medinger* was saved.”
Think of all that light can do! The darkness will not understand it, but it also cannot overcome it.
I hope to see you Saturday for Let Your Light Shine!
Once in shadow,
* Alan Medinger attended a prayer meeting he was invited to by a friend and co-worker. There, he invited Christ into his life and experienced a miraculous change in his sexuality. He founded Regeneration a few years later in 1979. You can read about Alan’s life and ministry in the brand new biography by Judith Hartzell, By God’s Design: Overcoming Same-Sex Attractions.
Have you ever watched a film where, right near the end, you find out a new piece of information that turns all you thought you knew about the plot and flips it on its head?
I think here of The Sixth Sense, The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Shutter Island, or The Prestige.
In each, you get just one additional sliver of information and suddenly scenes that didn’t quite make sense now do and other scenes that did make sense suddenly mean something entirely different. And if the movie’s done well, it was all right in front of your eyes the whole time.
If that can happen watching a movie, is it possible it can happen in our lives?
Is it possible a new piece of information—right in front of you—might introduce a plot twist that changes how you’re viewing the way some story in your life is going?
I think it is.
Over my next few posts, I want to share a few subtle truths that many of us miss, and though I’m no M. Night Shyamalan, maybe one of them will change how you see a story you’ve been living or a battle you’ve been fighting.
So here we go.
Plot 1: You’ve got a struggle you can’t seem to overcome.
- You drank too much again last night and have a splitting headache this morning.
- A porn habit is threatening your marriage but you keep going back to it.
- You feel weak and overweight and haven’t exercised since the beginning of January.
Whatever it is for you, at first glance, stuff like this looks like evidence against you, reason to believe the story is headed for more failure.
The pain you experience from falling reveals you’re not made to do what you’ve been doing.
Think about it: If the Author of your story created you to keep falling, if you’re designed for this, then each fall and failure would work for you, not against you.
- Drinking too much or too often would result in a better functioning body, not a hangover.
- Consuming porn would result in quality, fulfilling relationships, not isolation and fears of commitment.
- Eating gobs of sugar and fat would tone muscle and give you energy, not slow you down and make you weak.
You get the picture.
God gave us the capacity to experience pain (including guilt) as a way to let us know something’s wrong that needs fixing. Without this we’d likely leave our hand on the hot stove, stand in the freezing cold without a coat, or continue to fall into sin without realizing there’s a problem.
Of course, realizing there’s a problem isn’t the same as being saved from the problem. But believing that your habitual sins are just who you are or that you’ll never change will certainly lead to more failure.
The pain you feel when you fall reveals God didn’t create you to. It reveals you were actually made to walk. Or run.
Practice believing this and see if the plot doesn’t turn.
I love a good story. What’s your favorite with a great plot twist?
Too many people have the unfortunate problem of managing quite nicely.
Quite nicely is nice when all things are well, but when there’s a secret moral failure, a destructive pattern, a relational problem, or a long-buried wound, managing quite nicely is a problem.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s a silent misery.
As a 19 year old Christian college student, I was harboring secret sexual sins I’d never told anyone about. Outside, I was managing quite nicely—a good guy, known for my faith, my friendships, and my humor. I prayed God would change me, but he didn’t seem to be answering. I didn’t want anyone to know. I’d be utterly humiliated. I thought I’d lose my friends. I’d never outlive the shame.
I asked God to show me another way.
By His mercy, He didn’t.
Do you carry something in secret?
Whether a shameful thing you’ve done or something shameful done to you, a lie you’ve fostered or an addiction that has you, or maybe something you carry from long, long ago, secrecy is not your friend.
Secrecy promises to keep us safe. It whispers of threats outside, of certain shame and ruin that await us in the open.
But secrecy is a dragon itself to be feared.
All that beckons you to darkness is that which thrives in darkness. You, on the other hand, were created for light.
If you’ll ever be free, ever be healed, ever be able to maintain health, you need to be walking fully in the light with at least a few trusted and trustworthy people.
Ask Jesus who.
There is only one way to clear out a dark and dank room, no matter who is responsible for its condition. It is to throw open the windows and swing wide the doors, to let sunshine pour in and the fresh outside air to blow through. Only then can real restoration begin.
If God has not shown you another way, it is a merciful refusal.
Find your way to a trusted pastor or priest. Or begin with a 12-step recovery group or a good counselor.
Or come to Regeneration.
I was recently given the daunting task to give a comprehensive lecture on the topic of sex within one hour. How could I possibly do justice to this topic in such a short amount of time? Of course I knew to seek the Lord’s leading on how to best face this challenge and was shown that I should not focus on surface behaviors. There were deeper issues to be addressed and as I pondered what to say, a question continued rising in my mind—”What lies beneath sexual and relational brokenness?”
We live in a culture sated with sex, but remain starved for love.
– Christopher West, Fill These Hearts
The glaring answer is sin which is the cause of all human brokenness. But as I thought more deeply on this issue, sometimes what lies beneath this type of brokenness involves more than simply identifying sinful behaviors. What do we humans hunger for in our inner most being? I think the answer is intimacy. The primary drive at the very core of our being is our ever present search for true intimacy. This drive is always there in one form or another. But where does this innate drive originate? The drive for intimacy originates from God Himself.
In the Beginning
In Genesis we read about the marvelous beginnings of the universe and the human race. In Verse 1:26 the Lord states “Let us make man into our image”. We are introduced to the Creator God and this statement first reveals that there He is one God who exists in relationship. Further study of Scripture reveals the three persons of this relationship–Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
God is a spirit so if man is made in God’s image, then we should ask how did Adam reflect that image? All of creation, apart from Adam, was spoken into being. But Adam was formed by God out of creation itself. He was the pinnacle of God’s handiwork. God breathed life into him (Genesis 2:7). How then was the image of God made manifest in the dust He created and formed and into which He breathed life?
There were animals, birds, and fishes—an amazing variety of life. The evidence of God could be seen in all of creation and God Himself declared it good. But there was only one man. Adam was the only body person in all of creation. Adam alone reflected the Imago Dei—God’s Image. Only Adam had a self-awareness and only Adam was in relationship with God. He communicated with God in the Garden and experienced intimacy with the One who had created him.
I See You
“It is not good that the man should be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) Frequently I ask people what God did right after He made this statement. The common response is He created Eve. Wrong! God brought all the animals and birds before Adam and gave him the task of naming them. It is my assumption God brought the animals to Adam male and female. God noted Adam’s aloneness and Adam surely must have been sensing something as well. Perhaps God was preparing Adam for what He was about to do.
What must Adam have been feeling as he saw pair after pair of animals come before him? Did he wonder if there was another body-person like himself somewhere? The early church father Augustine once wrote that our heart’s desire is to see another and be seen by that other’s loving look. Just as in the 2009 movie Avatar where the Na’vi people greet each other with the phrase “I see you”, we want to be seen by others in a way that goes beyond our exterior. The animals could view Adam, but they could not see him, returning a knowing glance in return.
After Adam named the animals and saw there was no one like him, God gifted Adam with a helper, a partner who was perfectly and uniquely suited just for him. Upon seeing Eve, Adam remarked “this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.” He acknowledged not only seeing Eve, but that he saw another body-person like himself. We have no idea what feelings Adam experienced because we have always had body-persons around us. But Adam not only saw another physical body for the first time, he also saw somebody, another person who bore the Image of God. There must have been such a sense of joy which flooded his being! Adam’s unique solitude was gone forever.
Embracing A True Identity
When we have a faulty view of our identity, it breeds anxiety, depression, sin, and hiding. These disguise themselves as our friends while we struggle to stay afloat. And the cycle of sin, remorse, shame, depression, more sin, more darkness is wearying. Take heart. God’s desire for us isn’t that we’d stay stuck and without hope. Freedom doesn’t have to be a dream. The work on the cross makes it a reality.
The articles below, excerpts from Josh’s blog, examine these ideas and more.
Gold to Stones
The good news doesn’t start with people as sinners with whom God is angry. It starts in the beginning. And if we miss this, the good news will fail to be good news.
In the beginning, God made man and woman to be the Imago Dei—the image of God on the earth. By God’s design, all of creation recognized them with joyful awe. They were the ones the Creator had joyfully made like Himself. Or as John Eldredge has expressed it, man and woman were “little statues of God walking around.”
It was glorious. They were glorious.
So what happened? They were the ones created by God to be like God, but they bought the lie that they could make themselves like God. Although God’s glory radiated from them, it didn’t originate in them. It was a gift.
God didn’t revoke their glory; they gave it up, traded it for something far less.
In Paul’s words, they “exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man…” (Romans 1:23).
Since then, we’ve been trying to get it back. It can’t be done. (You can trade a brick of gold for a stone, but a pile of stones won’t buy you a brick of gold.)
And yet, through all history, through all we’ve done, all we’ve settled for, all we’ve lost, God’s heart has always been for us. He desires that his glory would radiate from us, that man and woman would again be the best expression of him on the earth.
This is why Jesus came—not to cover us up so the Father wouldn’t see our sin, but to clean sin from us, free us from its power, and restore the glory of God in us.
The question is, will we let him?
You can’t make yourself glorious. It can only happen as you unite your life with Christ. “Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27b).
The internal struggle against sin is itself reason to hope. It’s evidence of the Master’s work in your heart, a spark of goodness within that wants to grow.
But for many who struggle, however hard they try, the spark of good remains just a spark, seemingly ineffective amidst the familiar dark waters of temptation.
Can you relate?
• You want to stop yelling at your kids, but you lost your temper again.
• You love your husband, but your best friend is texting and you long to be in her arms again.
• You want to stop looking at pornography, but it’s 2 a.m. and you’re still online looking for more.
You wonder if you’ll ever change, ever leave this sin behind once and for all? Can the spark in you become a burning flame?
It can. I say this confidently not because I know you. But because of the spark.
Where did it come from, this tenacious little light? Did you generate it on your own? No. If you’re in Christ, He put it in you. And He’s very good at what He does.
Consider this: You’ve fallen repeatedly to sin for years, yet the spark in you that wants to do good still burns. How could this be? How much dousing can it take without being extinguished?
Apparently a lot.
What does this say about the One who put it there and His love for you? What does it say about the new heart He’s given you? Could it be He’s made you stronger, more committed, more persevering, more of a fighter than you’ve yet believed?
Could it be the spark is so enduring because, contrary to what you’ve believed, it’s the real you, and the sin that tempts you is the part that doesn’t belong?
Paul understands this when he writes in Romans 7, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do…As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
And then he also reminds us in Romans 8:37 that we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. Not victims. Not failures. But conquerors.
Where have you been falling repeatedly? Instead of beating yourself up for the sins you’ve been falling to, consider the miraculous tenacity of the spark in you and what it means about who lives in you and who you are.
Triage,Change, and Consecration
If you’ve sought major change in any area of your life, you may have discovered that God’s priorities for bringing about change are often different than our own.
We may come to him seeking freedom from pornography, wanting to be rid of our insecurity, needing physical healing, hoping for an end to our homosexual desires, or desperate to get out of debt.
But like a good triage doctor treating a patient with multiple life-threatening wounds, God will sometimes leave one area for a time because something else needs attention first.
To us, the problem that demands immediate attention is obvious: It’s the one causing us, or someone we love, the most pain. And so we cry out, “What are you doing, God? Can’t you see? Don’t you care about the pain I’m in!?” Of course he does.
The cross testifies to us in our pain. He understands.
But the cross also testifies to us through our pain. And so, with each change that has not come (even over a long time) we have a choice:
Abandon the journey or consecrate the journey.
To consecrate this journey to him means he becomes our main desire, not the change we’re after or any of its benefits. To consecrate the journey to him, means entrusting it to him, setting it apart to him as an offering. Consecrating this journey means giving up our rights to have the life we want, and instead gratefully receiving the life he grants.
When we consecrate this journey to God, everything takes on new meaning.
Our victories and our failures alike become opportunities to revel in God’s grace; resisting temptation and leaving a desire unmet become acts of worship; the objects of our temptation become those we fight for not against; and the journey itself—however long it takes and no matter how outwardly successful it may or may not seem—becomes an opportunity to grow more intimate with Jesus.
When Experience Isn’t a Good Thing
Nothing on earth has the authority to define you. Your identity—your true identity—is who God created you to be.
And yet, what you experience regularly informs your sense of who you are. In other words, your experiences—your circumstances, interactions, feelings, temptations, actions, etc.—all give you their opinion about who you are.
And as you might guess, their opinion frequently doesn’t align with who God says you are.
For example, do you feel you don’t measure up compared to others? Have you been abused, used, or abandoned? Do you feel like damaged goods? Do you struggle with habitual sins like lust, rage, gluttony, promiscuity, homosexual activity, envy, or fear?
Maybe you can’t remember a time when one or more of these wasn’t a part of your experience.
Maybe you can’t imagine a version of you apart from them. Nonetheless, they do not speak the truest thing about you.
If this is hard for you to believe, try this:
• Ask Jesus this simple question: What have my experiences (my circumstances, relationships, feelings, desires, or actions) told me about myself that is untrue?
• Spend some time in prayer, see Jesus absorbing each of these untrue labels into his body on the cross for you (2 Cor. 5:21).
• Then, like a child, ask: Jesus, who am I? Who do you say that I am?
Keep asking, and keep listening for his true words. There you’ll discover that…
You are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). You are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9). You are a child of God (Galatians 3:26). You are the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27).
Explore the Scripture for more truths about who you are as one who is in Christ.
The process of realigning your perceptions of yourself with what’s true can be lengthy and challenging. And it’s worth it. Whatever faulty names your experience has been giving, Jesus has better for you.
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In my experience, all the stories we love most have some element of impossibility. A battle that can’t be won, a relationship that just won’t work, an opponent that can’t be beat, a problem that can’t be solved, a foe too powerful to overcome.And then… something happens: A splinter of light in the darkness, the sound of back-up arriving, a forgotten promise kept, a chink in the armor suddenly revealed, an unlikely hero arising, a miracle.Our favorite stories aren’t great in spite of impossibility, they’re great because impossibility is a part of them. And because hope beyond hope, impossibility is overcome.There are few areas in our world today so rife with impossibility as sexuality. Voices and influences come at us fast and furious painting sexuality as something far from God’s beautiful design. Some of these voices are subtle, some seductive, but all of them sound so certain, professional, and authoritative. Even for the stalwart follower of Christ, the voices can sound so matter of fact that he or she feels a bit like an idiot not to buy into them.
• Men lust, that’s just what men do.
• It’s unhealthy and unnatural to live a chaste life if you’re single.
• If a spouse has been unfaithful, it’s just better to give up and start afresh.
• Porn and sexual experimentation are just a part of growing up.
• Some marriages aren’t made to last.
• And for those with same sex attractions, the only way to experience a healthy, meaningful life is to embrace a gay identity. Otherwise, despair and loneliness will follow you the rest of your life.
We need a more trustworthy authority than these voices. Scripture guides us. It reminds us that the accuser of the brethren accuses them—accuses us—day and night (Rev. 12:10). His accusations may be disguised, but at their core, they sound something like this:Those ideas you have: The idea that you could live chastely, that marriage is meant to reveal God’s image, or that you could be defined by a more trustworthy authority than your own desires and attractions, that Christ makes all things new, or that you (or any human, for that matter) could really love another with a self-giving love? All this is foolishness, antiquated, folly. It’s religious bondage, it’s unenlightened stupidity.
In short, it’s impossible.
Standing Amidst Impossibility
The truth is, those in Christ have his Spirit within and his seal on our lives. As we stand firm in love, even amidst the clamor of these voices, his image in us remains. And his quiet, sure voice tells us the truth of who we are as men and as women who bear His image.Still, those fast, furious, rapid fire messages come our way seeking to cover up his image in us, to quench what is true about us. It’s as though hands come out of the dark, slapping ‘hello my name is’ stickers all over us. Every sticker in some version or another reads impossible, impossible, impossible, not you, not important, not loved, not like God, impossible! But these are the same voices that tempted Jesus in the desert—the ones that said, If you’re really the Son of God, than why can’t you just do this, or do that? The same influences that tortured him in the garden, Surely if you were really God’s beloved Son, He’d let this cup pass from you. The same voices that mocked him on the cross, If you’re really the Messiah, if your really the Great Rescuer, why can’t you even save yourself?
And these are the same voices that had his disciples hiding in fear after he died, muttering and whispering to each other something like, “We thought He was the One.” For them, his grave clothes looked like a thousand labels that said, Impossible. And the giant stone over his tomb,—one more, final Impossible.
And then . . .
In the dark of the early morning, during their restless sleep, something happened: A glimmer of light, a chink in the impenetrable armor suddenly became visible, a forgotten promise was kept, an unlikely hero came through. A miracle. If the word Impossible covered his grave clothes, that morning each word shone with incredible light, each Impossible transformed into an eternal, authoritative, all powerful, I’m Possible.
His heart started pumping. He breathed in deeply like a man come up from a long dive under the cold ocean. His body warmed. And that giant, impossible stone moved aside to reveal its master—the living, breathing, walking, in-the-flesh, risen Jesus.
The Impossibility of Changed Lives
ImpossibilityMany of the men and women who have come to Regeneration over the past 30+ years aren’t living with the label Impossible anymore. Tonight, you’re going to hear from three of them. They don’t wear a sticker. It’s their lives that say In Christ all things are possible. And in him, their lives—like his—proclaim, I’m possible!
In Revelation 12:11, John goes on to say, “They overcame [the Accuser] by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.” These men and women’s lives do just that. What about you? Will you listen for what the Father might be saying to you? Jesus is here, he is walking among us, he sits with us, he is speaking to all of us, inviting us into his story.Will you listen? Will you follow?
Remember those favorite stories I mentioned at the start—the impossible ones where someone stood up against the impossible and wouldn’t back down? For each one who stood up, there were thousands of others who didn’t—men and women (even seemingly good men and women) who bent the knee, slinked off into the crowd, went home, shut the door, got into bed, and pulled the covers up over their heads.
More “Impossibility” Looms
Like all of you, Regeneration faces impossible challenges today.Pornography is not only more accessible than ever before in human history, it is becoming increasingly mainstream. Millions dabble in it, assuming it’s not hurting anyone and that they’ll be able to stop whenever they want. Gay marriage is the law of the land in Maryland and 11 other states, as well as our nation’s capitol. And in June, the Supreme Court of the United States will decide on two landmark cases that may have ripple effects in our country and around the world.A number of well-known and very public Christian voices have come out in support of gay marriage or have added confusion by what they have or have not said. Their followers are left perceiving that the clearest, soundest sounding voices are those promoting homosexuality.In the midst of this, men and women who are personally tempted by same-sex attractions face increasing pressures to abandon Scripture’s teachings on sex and sexuality.
Kids are especially at risk. A high school student recently told me that every guy he knows in his school asks girl classmates to text them nude photos of themselves. He’s the odd man out for refraining. Meanwhile, the constant message young women receive is if they don’t send provocative pictures of themselves then they’re viewed as undesirable and disregarded. Our kids aren’t just viewing porn, they’re unwittingly becoming pornographers.We can too easily get bogged down in all of this, letting the impossibility of it all drive us to resignation.
But Jesus strides right into impossibility, unafraid, clothed in white, and exuding resurrection life and love.
So listen to the stories of those who have walked from darkness to light, those who have joined with Christ to wrestle pornography to the ground, and won. Listen to those whose marriages were in tatters, and through blood, sweat, and tears have experienced the power of his resurrection in the love of husband and wife. And listen to those who have laid their homosexual identities down and let Christ clothe them in new garments—not heavy garments that conceal, but rich and light garments that reveal who they really are.
In these stories, in the pages of Scripture, in the everyday, listen for how God makes impossible possible. Listen for the I’m possible. And listen for the ways Jesus is saying to you, that you’re possible—that the wonder he’s made you to be, that best self, that true self, that good and godly man or woman who bears his likeness and strides right next to him into impossibility—that you are more than possible in him“Looking at them, Jesus said, ‘With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God’” (Mark 10:27).
Twenty-five years ago I had my last homosexual encounter with a former lover. It was the first week of January 1988. This significant event came after I had rededicated my life to the Lord in August of 1987. At that point in my life, I had lived for 11 years as a gay-identified man. During the second week of that January, I broke my silence and shared my past with my church family. Only my pastor had known of my history. During the third week of January, I was visiting a church in Atlanta and heard about Regeneration Ministries. The next week, I visited with Alan Medinger at the Regeneration office in Baltimore. I walked into my first Regeneration meeting in Northern Virginia during the first week of February 1988 and my life has never be the same!
In a period of just 5 weeks I experienced dramatic and significant changes in my life. I now knew there were others like me wrestling with unwanted same-sex attractions, and they were doing so in light of God’s mercy and grace. I came out of the shadows, dropped my masks, and began to enter into real community. No longer was I resigned that there were immutable, genetic influences casting my lot and keeping me from becoming the man God intended. I truly began to grasp my potential of being and accepted the abundant life my Beloved offered me.
As I reflect over these past 25 years, two words surface: change and vulnerability. The word change encompasses many levels which cannot be put into simple context. Likewise, the word vulnerability has associated depths of meaning which requires greater clarification and definition. Change and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive but, in fact, have a strong connection.
Change, of course, is to make something different, often radically different. To be vulnerable can be defined as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage.” On the surface, change and vulnerability may appear to be negative things and not at all desirable. Our personal vulnerabilities often have significant influence on the choices we make, which can then lead to unfortunate or even devastating end results.
Men and women seek the help of Regeneration, as I did, because of a desire to change the road they’ve been walking. In order to make that radical change, they need to be vulnerable which involves risk. Unfortunately, we often lack clarity in understanding our personal vulnerabilities.
God Accepts Vulnerabilities
We are vulnerable in areas of our life which are unprotected, susceptible, and weak. Some of us may have an inability to set healthy boundaries with people. We can experience vulnerability to things that we are most prone to turn to apart from God. It could be food, sex, relationships…the possibilities there are endless. We are more vulnerable during certain times in our life such as when we feel tired, stressed, and anxious about particular circumstances. Our vulnerabilities can be decreased to a negligible awareness or they can be a condition which remains present for extended periods of time.
After I rededicated my life to the Lord, the Holy Spirit began to reveal areas where I had vulnerabilities – areas that were susceptible to sin. These areas were the result of faulty interpretations of my past, unforgiveness, and adherence to lies. These vulnerabilities contributed to the complexity of my brokenness regarding my sexuality and my relationships. However, through Divine objectivity I was able to see my past through God’s eyes and His revelation began to unravel the vines which had restricted my healthy emotional development. When I submitted to His Lordship, He released me from my striving and produced trust that He knew what was best for me and my process of becoming who He wanted me to be.
I needed to allow God to search and expose my heart. As He proved Himself faithful, my trust of Him grew and I became more open. I welcomed His Presence into the closed off areas of my heart. Here is where the basis for specific vulnerabilities existed. Here is where His Divine intervention began to transform my weaknesses into strengths.
God brought about a paradigm shift in my thinking, although I think it was actually repentance. I had to repent of a false understanding of God and who He was. I had to repent of thinking that God despised me for my vulnerabilities. Once I repented of that false idea, what a joy to know the truth – that God accepted my vulnerabilities and wanted to use them as places of opportunity through which He would manifest Himself in my life. My vulnerabilities were not to be places for self-hatred to reside. Rather, these vulnerable areas were places where God wanted to work and effect change. Once I experienced this new change in my thinking, I saw the Lord begin to establish new foundations onto which He was building and regenerating my life into what He wanted it to be.
There is one place in my life where I can be extremely vulnerable. I have experienced times of great loneliness. I know I am not unique in this and loneliness is an ongoing experience for everyone. I also know that loneliness will not be completely met this side of heaven. At times I have despised my loneliness and other times I’ve been tempted to see it with eyes of despair. I also have also turned to other sources, to which I am vulnerable, in order to assuage it, such as food. I have viewed my loneliness through a clouded lens but I have begun to understand it in a new light.
I need to see all of my vulnerabilities as God-accepted with the potential to become God-inspired. God accepts me right where I am in the moment. He is not willing to leave me there, however. He desires me to go higher and deeper with Him. Will I embrace my loneliness in such a way where it is not seen as a deficit? Will I embrace my deeper vulnerabilities with God’s inspiration to cause them to be wondrous places of being where I recognize Him at work? Instead of suppressing, avoiding, or pacifying these places, will I allow the Resurrection Life of Jesus to cause new birth in me? Will I choose to become the man He wants me to be as I study His word, seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit and daily walk in His truth?
Changing Our view of Change
If we allow Him, God will take our vulnerabilities and work radical changes. Change is a multi-layered journey and I believe this is especially so for those struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions. For many, I have seen the change of unwanted behaviors become the “ultimate goal”. Should the focus of change in this area be on outward behaviors, inward thinking, or religious pursuits? What do you focus on first? What came first the chicken or the egg?
Within me I recognize the presence of a constant undercurrent of change. I am never static unless I choose to be. I make a daily choice to enter into a place of becoming who God wants me to be. My current state of “what is” knows that tomorrow there is a “not yet” ahead. I am on a pilgrimage towards my true home and live in the tension between two conditions of being.
In the beginning stages as I left my same sex lifestyle, my focus was on changing my behaviors. Like most people that initially come to my office, this is their main goal. But the true need is to experience a change in focus rather than behaviors. Pastor and apologist Timothy Keller says it best – God is not after a morally restrained heart but a supernaturally changed heart. Because I have been there myself, I know the people who come to Regeneration are hurting and often struggling with addictions. I come along side of them, walking with them in the moment. But the reality is our own strength or will is insufficient. We can only overcome our sin and become the person God wants us to be when we know who we are in Christ, and who Christ is in us.
Changing Our focus
As I counsel people at Regeneration, my focus is not on changing sexual orientation. How do you define sexual orientation and why do we categorize orientation? These are categories that the world apart from God has developed. There is really only one true orientation which is the one God created. If sexual orientation is minimized to the question of who you want to have sex with, then its complexity has been greatly diminished. The opposite of homosexuality is the heterosexual reality God intends. When people seek healing from same-sex attraction, this doesn’t mean they will necessarily have sexual attraction to the opposite sex. Like sexual orientation, our heterosexuality cannot be reduced to merely the act of sex. My heterosexuality encompasses how I as a male relate with both men and women. The more secure I am in my gender and the more comfortable I am in my maleness, then the more I begin to bear the unique, heterosexual image God intends for me, independent of sexual attractions. Although we can begin to experience sexual attractions to the opposite sex, this mustn’t be our primary goal.So when I minister at Regeneration, I am only interested in the changing of two orientations: our orientation to sin and our orientation to God. One we want to decrease and the other to increase. The more we come to truly know God, who He is, what He has done for us, what His purpose is for us, then the change we desire will occur. 2 Peter 1:3 says it all: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” It’s knowing God, in our head and heart, which brings true change that lasts and is real.
Changing My Perspective
Over the past 25 years my focus has become more directed towards a Kingdom perspective. Jesus befriended sinners which then allowed His message to be received. He cared for their struggles, their physical needs and their hurts. Others He confronted with their sin to reveal the state of their hearts. When do we befriend and when do we confront? I have seen judgmental confrontation but also compromised befriending. As followers of Jesus, we cannot offer sound theology without true relationship, nor can we offer relationship without sound theology! Only God can save and knows who is saved. Only God can make this important, definitive judgment. We are called to speak the truth of the gospel in love and be the Image bearer of Christ.
I try to greet everyone who walks into my office with the same approach. I open with prayer and always speak of the truth that God knew we were going to meet before the world was created. God therefore knows exactly what He wants to surface and address during our time together. I rest knowing He will direct our discussion and provide the words that I need to speak to the person that is before me. I ask Him to let me see through His eyes the one who sits before me. I ask for the Father’s will to be done.
I want the fullness of Jesus to be made manifest in my vulnerabilities. God desires change in our inner being but only through Him can true, radical change happen. I am continuing to learn what it means to rest in Him. The only change I now want for my life is the same as John the Baptist’s when he said “may I decrease that He may increase.” (John 3:30)
“I was like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.” ~Sir Isaac Newton
I love seashells. My affection for them began as a boy growing up in Cleveland, Ohio. Unfortunately Lake Erie is not known for its beautiful shells, so I saved my pennies and bought shells from all over the world. In the l960’s there was a very rare cone shell which captured the eye of avid shell collectors around the world – the Glory of the Seas cone. Stories abounded of its rarity and a quality specimen was valued over $1,000.
As diving practices improved, however, and more habitats for this rare cone shell were discovered the shells’ value changed. Today I have at least six of this cone shell and I’m pondering how to use them in my shell art work! Over time the value of some rare shells was impacted because they became commonplace and were readily available. They were no longer special and although the allure for these rare shells still existed, they became something much less valuable.
The same thing has happened in our culture regarding sex. The great truth of what sex is and what it was originally designed to be has been lost as sexual images saturate us in the media. We encounter it visually everyday on the television, in magazines and on the internet. On television shows, it is commonplace to have sex as the main topic or alluded to in jokes or conversation. And many current therapists posit that sex is a biological necessity and a requirement for happiness. Restricting the “urge to merge” or having some form of sexual release is considered unusual or even unhealthy.
Our culture today views sex in a way far different from what God intended when He first created the world. Sex was God’s gift to mankind and had an intentional purpose. It was a way for us to reflect His image in our gender. It was a special blessing given to a man and woman as a way to express intimacy with one another as husband and wife. God can be seen in all of His creation, but He reserved the bearing of His Image for the human race alone. One of His gifts to us as His image bearers is the ability to enjoy intimacy within a sexual union.
And so, our sexuality is innately and profoundly sacred with a divine purpose in its design. But like Sir Isaac Newton’s search for the prettier shell, our culture has lost the great truth of the sacredness of sex. By focusing only on the act of sex itself, we miss the sacred and multifaceted experience of sex—the holy gift God presented to us so long ago. That gift was a like a diamond, valuable and precious. But today, even within the Christians community, we see believers willing to substitute something in place of the diamond we are originally given.
We have seen the loss of this gift over the centuries. In certain centuries, especially in ancient times, sex was part of ritualistic, deity worship. Some cultures had little restrictions on sexual acts while others were more rigid. In Victorian times, sex was not discussed in good company. In our current culture, its presence dominates our media but it is rarely referenced in the way God intended, thereby demeaning and separating it from its greater purpose.
One obvious reason sex is important in our society is because it provides physical pleasure. But if the purpose of sex was solely for pleasure, then there are plenty of other resources available with far less consequences. One prevalent consequence of sex outside of God’s boundaries has been the rise of sexually transmitted diseases. STDs are widespread in our country. The Center for Disease Control estimates that there are 19 million new infections every year in the U.S. alone. (CDC 2012 National Data).
Even while our culture espouses the idea that sex should be sought to meet a biological need, it is clearly associated with something far more significant. Even for the many who are imprisoned by sexual addiction, there is an underlying drive which goes beyond the physical. Sex lends itself to attachment because it ties into our deeply buried desire for true intimacy originally planted there by God. C.S. Lewis writes “The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all other kinds of union which were intended to go along with and make up the total union.”
Our culture has polar extremes regarding sex. At one extreme it is highly romanticized in idealistic movies and reality TV. The hard work of building a relationship is minimized and veiled behind the pretense of real love. The other extreme classifies sex as a biological, almost animalistic drive which is diluted down to only physical dimensions. Both extremes reflect a lack of understanding for the deeper significance found in our sexuality. Sex, as expressed in these polar opposites, finds its expression as false intimacy.
We humans hunger for true intimacy. As image bearers of God, we desire relationship with Him and with each other. And when a man and a woman come to together sexually, it is the highest form of being known by one another. Certainly we can know each other within and through healthy, life-giving relationships. However, in the marital bed, there is the opportunity to know one another in a way which is like no other. Here, true intimacy is experienced on multiple levels: physical, emotional and spiritual.
Unfortunately our culture more often substitutes the physical act of sex as being the totality of true intimacy without regard for the deeper aspects of knowing the other person. For many, achieving pleasure and a self-satisfying orgasm is the main goal, with minimal responsibility. In 2011, a film called “No Strings Attached” was released which illustrated the prevailing view of casual sex among today’s generation. The film’s director, Ivan Reitman was quoted as saying, “I noticed from my own kids that with this generation in particular, young people find it easier to have a sexual relationship than an emotional one. That is how the sexes deal with each other today.”
The physical component of sex that brings great pleasure is indeed important in a marital relationship. But in order to fully enjoy all the aspects of this gift from God, we must discern its higher purpose. When sex is only casual or recreational, it is like a cheap cubic zirconium. It may appear beautiful, but it is lacking in value. Sex, understood from the perspective of God’s original design, is like that precious diamond and thus, the expression of it valued, respected and should be protected. The cubic zirconium can easily be given away because it doesn’t represent a great loss. But the diamond, a stone of great worth, will only be given away when its value is understood.
The Greater Gift
In order for us to fully value and appreciate sex, we must connect it with the Creator Himself. When we remove God’s presence, sex loses its Divine connection and purpose. We live in a post-modern society in which the true source of Life has been replaced or eliminated altogether. To paraphrase Paul in Romans 1, mankind has gone from worshiping the Creator to worshipping the created. This degenerates further to worshipping the act of procreation. Without acknowledgement of our God-given need for true intimacy, to know and be known both by God and one another, sex becomes a powerful substitute.
Early in Genesis, we read about a marriage. God gave Adam and Eve to each other also giving them the gift of sex for a variety of purposes. One purpose was for procreation—for the building of a family. We can see this throughout all of creation as animals also have sex to produce off-spring. Being image-bearers of God, spiritual and physical, our sexual act also has a spiritual dimension. This is why in 1 Corinthians 6:15-20, believers are told to flee sexual immorality because our body is a home to the Holy Spirit.
All of scripture esteems the beauty of God-honoring sex. The Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) in the Old Testament contains sensual expressions between a bride and bridegroom. Song of Songs 6:3 says, “I am my lover’s and my lover is mine” and chapter 7:10 rejoices that “I belong to my lover and his desire is for me.” It is a beautiful book that is also a metaphor for how God views the church. It expresses His love for us as His Body, as His bride.
Jesus refers to the church as His bride many times in the New Testament. But we are not a “trophy bride” or a bride who is not to be touched. The level of intimacy that Jesus desires with us is as deep as that experienced by a husband and wife. How absolutely amazing that our Creator desires such a level of deep intimacy with us!
In the book of Revelation chapter 21, the Church is defined as “the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” John saw the city coming down from heaven adorned “as a bride,” meaning that the inhabitants of the city, the Redeemed of the Lord, will be holy and pure, wearing white garments of holiness and righteousness. How overwhelming is God’s love for us! Fully comprehending the greater gift of what sex was and is to be, grasping what God intended, we then will have true freedom to enjoy the wonderful gift He has given to us.
When we lack understanding of its significance, we limit our capacity of knowing Him and being in full relationship with Him. I belong to God and His desire is for me! The metaphors used in the Song of Songs are lost on us if sex has no higher meaning and purpose than just physical. But when we understand its spiritual aspect, we can begin to comprehend how deep the Father’s love is for us. Then we can be naked and unashamed in His presence.
Disregard of the Gift…Disregard the Giver
One of my favorite cartoon strips is no longer being published. The illustrator refused to give into the pressure to franchise his characters and make millions more in revenue. He believed if you take the characters out of their settings, you somehow change them. Their uniqueness is somehow diminished when they are taken out of the environment for which they were intended. Rather than compromise his beliefs, to the disappointment of many, he no longer is illustrating the two characters that many have enjoyed for years.
When sex is taken out of the setting for which it was intended, it loses something. Those outside of Christ may realize that something is not quite right, but are unable to perceive what has been lost. Premarital sex is such a common practice that the wedding night is now no more special than any other night. It holds no uniqueness or special anticipation. Rather premarital sex has been routinely and wrongly used as a measure of compatibility prior to marriage. Absent is the deeper, intimate trust one gives to another through the profession of true commitment witnessed in community.
My heart longs for us to begin to comprehend the inherent value of the sexual union. This deeper understanding of the sacredness of sex can be a vital foundation stone beneath your feet when sexual temptation arises. You can prepare yourself for these temptations that will surely come by asking yourself these questions: “Am I going to use the gift meant for true intimacy as an act of narcissistic self-love devoid of intimacy? Do I want to defile and degrade this amazing gift through casual, one-flesh unions? Do I understand I am truly profaning something which is holy and sacred unto God?” These questions need to be forethought rather than an afterthought. When sexual temptation arises, you are better prepared, with God’s help, to make decisions to honor the gift and the Gift-giver.
For those of us who walk in the state of singleness or the gift of a celibate life, our longing for intimacy can be met in God. Some authors espouse that a deeper knowing of God can be achieved through the gift of celibacy. Remaining chaste or celibate (there is a difference between these words) is a discipline which is honored by God. Instead of mulling over what we are missing, contemplate what we gain through choosing to live within the parameters God has given to us.
Luke 1:37 says, “For with God, nothing is impossible.” Only God can cleanse us of any defilement we may have known through our sexually broken and sinful behaviors. Only God can restore our innocence which was taken or lost. Only He can restore to us the true reverence for His sacred gifts. His desire is for you and He longs for your desire to be for Him!